Gluten Free Pizza .. . . just as gross as it sounds

2012
11.11

Sorry, I have been MIA and this site has had some technical difficulties.  I think the lack of gluten is turning my brain to mush.  But we did try some gluten free pizza from our local pizza place.  And the experience was devastating enough to motivate me to get this blog back on track.  This place has amazing pizza – it has been a staple in our house since we discovered their pizza 5 years ago.  When I went in to pick up my order the kid working behind the counter, who knows me well, thought he had the wrong order.  I explained the reason he hadn’t seen us in a while was because of this gluten free disaster, and that it was only last week a neighbor told me they had added gf pizza to the menu.  He warned me to come back again next week, because they were out of the “good” gf crust and this was only “ok”.  I will have to give another review if I  can muster the strength to try it again.  But current consensus . . . gross.

Gluten Free Pizza

Gluten Free Pizza

I know, it doesn’t even look good!!!  I should start by saying we are pizza snobs.  I am not someone who thinks any pizza is good pizza.  But this . . . this was bad.  The crush was mushy in the middle, and chewy.  Crunch and overcooked on the edges.  Though it was the same yummy sauce and cheese, there was hardly any cheese.  For this I blame all the by-choice gluten-freers who are doing it for health reasons.  They have given pizza places this idea that if you want gluten free you probably want it light on the cheese to keep it healthier.  If we are going to remove the deliciousness that is gluten, at least give me the cheese!!! Enough to cover the whole pizza.  Please and thank you.

All that being said, we ate it.  The whole thing.  Because it cost a small fortune.  One medium sized gf pizza (they only come in one size, but it was about a medium) was the same cost as two large pizzas on special.  WTF.  More money for a smaller, gross pizza?!

I am sure one of the 7000 gluten-free blogs about baking would tell me I just need to make my own crust, but that is not my style.  I do not have the time or energy to work two jobs and come home and perfect gf recipes.  I just want to by a fucking decent gluten free pizza! Is that too much to ask?

I will give the “good” gf pizza they have a shot, but I am not getting my hopes up.

Gluten Free Saviour: Quinoa

2012
08.06

Thank God for quinoa.  Seriously.  Before you get any further, this post will not tell you what quinoa is, because I probably don’t know any more than you do.  There will be no fancy recipes or reviews of the amazing health benefits (though I am pretty sure it is pretty healthy?).  Its good.  Eat it.

 

Quinoa: Gluten Free Deliciousness

 

  • it is gluten free
  • it is yummy
  • it is filling
  • it is easy to cook
  • it is high in protein

And really, what more do you need to know? You can cook it in a rice cooker or on the stove.  It cooks much more quickly than rice.  You can use it anywhere you would have used couscous.  You can make quinoa salad instead of pasta salad.  You can make quinoa Read the rest of this entry »

Gluten Free Nature Valley Granola Bars

2012
08.02

Prior to discovering his gluten intolerance, Nature Valley Granola Bars (the good ol’ fashioned two-in-a-wrapper oat and honey) were one of my husband’s food groups.  We purchased them in bulk at Costco.  As a bottomless pit, having snacks at arms length at all times is crucial; so I would find these granola bars in his car, his pockets, his toolbox, etc.

When he was diagnosed with his gluten intolerance I started taking inventory of the staples that my husband could no longer eat (i.e. the things that were going to make my life a bigger pain-in-the-ass).  Nature Valley Granola Bars were high on my list (right under beer, pizza, and macaroni and cheese).  They were the one thing I could aways tell him to shove in his mouth until I had the time or energy to make dinner.  Telling him to shut the fuck up and stop complaining became far less effective without these granola bars around.

And then one day, walking down the ailse at Safeway, the heavens opened and a light shone down on this . . .

don’t mind the jacked up white balance of this photo

That’s right: Nature Valley makes gluten free granola bars!!! I could barely contain myself.

When I got home from the store had the box torn open before I had unloaded the ice cream and was shoving one of the bars at Brad.  Sadly he claimed to have just eaten a Lara Bar (more on those another day) so the taste test had to wait.

The next day we were driving to New York for a camping trip and the box of the granola bars was the first thing that went into the car.  Within an hour he opened a bar and took a bite.  What follows is a play by play:

*Loud cracking noise*

Brad: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!???

Me: (innocently) What’s wrong?

Brad: This is a fucking brick. What the fuck?! (looking angerly at the bar)  This is the worst fucking thing I have ever eaten.

Me: Oh, you probably just got a bad one . . . that one is probably stale.

Brad: (second bit, followed by lout cracking noise) FUCK!!!!! I think I just broke my fucking tooth!!!

Me: You did not break a tooth.

Brad: (rolls down window, tosses remainder of granola bar onto the highway . . . wrapper and all) and glares at me.

Me: Do you want to try another one?

Brad: Stop talking.

Verdict: Almond Crunch Gluten Free Granola Bars – good for creating false-hope, breaking teeth, starting fights, and as a reminder that gluten intolerance is the fucking worst.  Thanks Nature Valley.

 

 

Delicious Gluten Free Beer. Seriously.

2012
08.01

Clearly when diagnosed with a gluten intolerance, the only course of action is to drink away your sorrows. Then you remember you can’t drink beer, so you drink a full bottle of bourbon instead. Then hopefully, far more quickly than we did, you discover Omission.

Some other day I will discuss the many disgusting gluten free beers we have tried, many of which have no business calling themselves beer. But in the meantime, I recommend you run out and find Omission. I kept reading online reviews saying that this was finally the beer for an IPA drinker. I stalked the website for east coast distribution plans. I emailed the company to see when they would have any retailers in Maryland. They weren’t sure when, but soon, they kept saying. Soon.

Soon when?!? The Washington Post had just done an article about it, so it had to be close. Washington is just down the street. I was starting to worry about the damage the rum and bourbon drinking were wreaking on my husbands liver. Worse, I was so tired of being on the receiving end of a death glare every time I cracked a beer. I mean, fuck off. I shouldn’t suffer just because my husband has a gluten intolerence, right?!

Then one day the wonderful staff of Omission emailed me back to tell me that the beer was available at a liquor store a mere 45 minutes from my house. At this point I would have driven hours for a decent gluten free beer, so 45 minutes was a breeze. After so many gluten free disappointments, I was trying not to get my hopes up. But having realized that a marriage cannot survive with only one spouse being allowed to drink good beer, it was hard not be hopeful.

Omission did not disappoint. It is gluten free and it is GOOD. Like, good good. Not just good-for-gluten-free good. If I got it at a bar, I’d be satisfied. I’d order it again. Given the choice between a Sierra and an Omission Pale Ale, I’d take Omission.

“To some its a six-pack, to me it’s a support group.” -anonymous

They don’t print anywhere on their label that they are gluten free, and I am thinking that is some brilliant marketing on their part. Those who need to know know (because we obsessively stalk the internet for decent gluten free anything!). And those who aren’t gluten free won’t be discouraged from buying it because they see it is gluten free.

Now they just need a stout for this winter.

Fuck Me.

2012
08.01

We thought my husband had cancer. He was just gluten intolerant.  Turns out that really sucks too.